Finding a sense of self worth

We recently watched the HBO documentary I Love You, Now Die, an incredibly tragic story about a depressed teenager named Conrad Roy who takes his own life at the urging of his “girlfriend.” The 2 part series is disturbing on many levels, but what struck me most was the contrast between Conrad’s outward appearance - a well-spoken, good looking young man - and what his private video messages revealed about his deeper feelings. This was someone who appeared to have been living a normal suburban life. Chances are that you would expect him to have a bright future ahead of him if you were to meet him in person. However, watching videos of him speaking privately into his computer reveal a crippling social anxiety that could not overcome. Ultimately he felt that life itself was too painful to continue living. This, despite the fact that he was (seemingly) surrounded by family and friends who loved him deeply.

As an introvert myself, the series made me think about where these feelings come from and why there is such a broad spectrum in terms of who can cope and who cannot. I wonder about where we each get our sense of belonging. After reading the book Quiet, which tells of the author’s experience with people who have sought refuge in countless bathrooms while at social functions, I realized that there are people like me who are exhausted rather than energized by what she calls social stimulation. Despite this (or perhaps because of it), I have never drawn my sense of self-worth from what others think. These dichotomies are fascinating to me.

Certainly nature and biology plays no small role in our development. Our family, friends and environment has an impact as well. Role models, or lack thereof, can instill us with values on which we build the foundation for who we are to become in life. Some of us are people pleasers. Others are brimming with confidence (sometimes on the outside, sometimes internally) from the day they learn to walk. Within many families there exist siblings who could not be more different. One may be outgoing, competitive and successful by any typical measure. The other might be reclusive, passive and unable to make it on their own. They might be any combination of these. Why is this? Did they receive different levels of attention as children? Were they surrounded by peer groups that had an outsized effect on their development during their formative years? Were they simply born different, destined to end up on opposite ends of the spectrum despite their parents best intentions?

For many people, their sense of worth comes from professional successes and failures. When they close a deal, get a promotion, sell a business or receive praise from a manager they are on top of the world. When things have stagnated or they face setbacks, criticism or lose a job they feel a great sense of despair. Some people even read into minute communications, from emails to hallway conversations to rumors, and extrapolate how others perceive them. This is never a good idea. Expending mental energy on what other people think of you is almost always a waste of time. Instead, everyone should strive to have a growth mindset and approach every situation as a learning opportunity. Ultimately, all we can do is put forth our very best effort on any given day. I know that as long as I attack the list of tasks I have set out I will be moving in the right direction. I am motivated by the thought of what I can achieve with this level of focus. My sense of worth comes from my effort and what I think of myself as a person. I have a gift for putting myself in other people’s shoes. This allows me to react in a measured way and communicate clearly and effectively.

At the other extreme is someone who is so supremely confident that they have lost any sense of self awareness. Despite coming across as overbearing, abrasive or rude, they believe that they can do no wrong and any negative feedback is a result of over-sensitivity on the part of those around them. In a business setting, these people believe that the end justifies the means (think Steve Jobs). Unfortunately, in many companies these people receive the most attention and resources simply because they are the loudest. As managers, they have the most miserable teams but remain oblivious because no one confronts them (or because they simply cannot acknowledge their own faults).

Ultimately, your motivation and sense of self-worth should come from within. Put forth your best effort every day, treat others with respect and be yourself. Learn to communicate effectively and manage stress. Develop a process for turning goals into daily actions (if you struggle with this there are plenty of systems out there). If you are anxious or uncomfortable in social situations (I certainly am), talk to someone about it, read the stories of others who feel the same and try to strike a balance that works for you. Force yourself to step outside your comfort zone and engage with people in a meaningful way. You might be surprised what you learn about them, and more importantly about you. Never allow others to affect how you feel, especially about yourself.